I wonder about the correlation between the call of The Goddess and those who have dysfunctional relationships (or no relationship) with their earthly mothers. When I was a quite young (8 or younger), I felt like I had a mom. Not long after that, I realized that my mother was mentally and emotionally more like a peer due to traumas. I became the more mature one by the time I was a young teen. I dealt with things I should not have had to because I felt responsible to protect my mother instead of vice versa. I realized it was time to let go and protect myself when I was 17. Until that time I had spent every other weekend with my mom since my parents divorce when I was 3 or 4. Since then, I have seen her maybe 2-6 times per year for no more than a few hours at a time.
Every year now on Mother’s Day I find myself doing a sort of sad little laugh as I read all the wonderful things people post about their mothers. I simply cannot relate. I love the woman as someone who gave birth to me and as a human being, but she doesn’t really feel like a mother to me. All of this considered, I think my draw to a spirituality involving Goddess could partially be due to the yearning for an ideal mother. I have yearned for the type of mother that teaches me to be strong through her strength and gives me abundant love. Even if I didn’t like to recognize that there was a sort of empty space within me missing that, it was surely there. Mother Goddess helps me to fill that emptiness. Her love for me is pure and unending. Father God’s love for me is also pure and unending, of course. That’s just not the focus of this post because I have steadily had my Dad in my life.
To my surprise, yesterday my earthly mother contacted me to tell me she wants to spend more time with me and her mom (who I spend a considerable amount of time with). My grandmother and I have extended invitations to her before to usually have them rejected. My mom says she wants to spend more time with the people she loves though because life is short or something like that. I believe she mentioned that she had been depressed. I agree it is a good idea. My grandmother has mentioned on multiple occasions that she would like to spend more time with her daughter and that she worries about her. I agreed to the idea of the three of us spending more time together because I don’t want my mom to be depressed and I want to make my grandmother happier. However, I think part of me agreed because I don’t want to resent my mother. Truly repairing the relationship between us would be a grand miracle. It is not a miracle I put much hope into. I accepted the idea of bonding time rather nonchalantly. It didn’t seem like anything to be upset over. However, that notion could have been the needle to poke a hole in me (which I mentioned in my previous post).
I don’t expect my mom to ever totally feel like a real mom again. In fact, I believe it likely that I will be somewhat mothering to my mom if we spend much time together. It may be unconventional and difficult for me, but I know that my earthly mom is also a daughter of The Great Mother even if she is oblivious to The Great Mother’s existence. Maybe I am being called to help another daughter and find some healing for myself. In retrospect, it is clear to me that Divine have sent a few ambassadors of Motherly love throughout my life. I am appreciative of that. Although I am awkward with kids, being such an ambassador in an unconventional manner is something I can do to show gratitude to Divine.
I realize this post may be a bit rambling, but I hope somebody will connect with it. I hope somebody will relate and find realization. Perhaps somebody will be inspired to connect with Goddess. By doing so, one may learn how to be strong while having a soft heart. One may be able to fill an emptiness with love and forgiveness. Blessings to you all.